you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize