Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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