Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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