Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
