Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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