I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize