My underwear smells like fireworks.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
