Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
