I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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