As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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