You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
