Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
