His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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