Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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