i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
