I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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