All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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