Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
