i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
