i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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