i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
