i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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