Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your penis caused this!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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