So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
