I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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