you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
