Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I cockslap morals
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
