you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
