started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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