So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
