hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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