She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
