What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize