I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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