sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
