Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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