I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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