I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
