My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
