Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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