i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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