i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
people are starting to question the shark bite story
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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