don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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