when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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