She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I understand Curling. That high.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
