New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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