I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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