living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
