I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
