the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
