I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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