it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
