Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize