you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
