"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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