This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
