Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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