You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
