accomplished twins. life is a go
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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