To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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